On Fitting In...

You know, for the most part of my life I have felt out of the loop.  I have felt like an outsider.

Grade school was painful. Junior high was excurtiating.  High school...I think I just quit caring.  After that...well, there was the unsure period in life.  The 6 years when we didn't do much of anything in life and I didn't care who thought what about me.

Then my husband became a Soldier and I became an Army wife.  I had a chance to start over.  To be myself every single time.  Every single day.  With everyone I deal with.

I admit that it hasn't exactly gone as nicely and as smoothly as I would like.  I have realized that, given the chance, I could probably be a very vile person.  I do get very very irritated by minor stupidity and idiocy.  And there's A LOT of that being allowed into the ranks of the Army.  And they bring their idiot family and friends with them.  *sigh

But I have also found out that, not only can I be myself relatively easily, I can become who I want very easily, too.  Meaning...I've changed.  Although I still find myself wondering what people really think about me and who I am, I am less likely to give a hoot if they don't agree with my life style.  I've also come to the realization that I am most likely to actually be harder on myself than anyone else is on me.  So, the question is:  is it low self-esteem, thinking I don't measure up, or is it that my standards are higher than my surrounding social contacts and I am continuing to push myself to be the best I be?  To tell the truth, it might depend on the day that you catch me...

Most people don't realize that I am a traditionalist.  I know that people think that I might single-handedly be setting the standards for the female sex back 60 years.  I think that women, given the opportunity, belong in the home.  We are the heart of the home.  It takes A LOT of energy to keep a home running smoothly.  "But we need the money.  We need to maintain our current level of life-style.  We need more stuff.  We have debt."  Well...living within your means is a GREAT thing.  And a wonderful character trait.  Try it sometime.  You'd be amazed what you can do with one paycheck.

But I digress.  I also believe that we use too many chemicals to clean.  I think more people should grow some of their own food.  I think people should be responsible for their government representives.  I believe that giving of our time and our resources should out-weigh what we take from other people and the world.  I believe that, unless there is abuse (and then the abuser should be nailed to wall!!!), marriage lasts forever.  I believe that EVERYONE should be supporting the troops.  I think crafts and handmade items are slowly disappearing from the world and we will be the worse for it.  I think that there are way too many people who don't understand what holidays and observances should be celebrated or WHY and HOW they should be celebrated.  Traditions are going down the tube.  Family history and ties are falling apart.  Communication, no matter how instant it has become, is becoming a thing of the past.  Letters matter.  For that matter, words in letters matter.  Grammar and spelling are not being taught.  In fact, our entire education system is out of whack!  Faith and religion don't matter to people anymore; therefore values are non-exisitant.  But, maybe it's just me complaining...I don't know.

My belief system doesn't fit with what people today consider 'normal'.  Does that bother me?  Not really.  Does it make relating to other people more difficult?  Sometimes.  But I have been meeting folks here who share some of the same beliefs I do.  And just as strongly.  Which is nice.  However, I have a real problem with myself, living up to my own expectations and the vision that I want people to see. I can make to-do lists, schedules, prioritize...I've tried it all.  A lot of it at the same time.  Maybe that's the problem, who knows?  But I know what it takes to be me.  And that's the best of it, right?  Maybe.

So, as I am staring a new year in the face, a new 'family' to get used to, I find myself wondering 'where do I fit this time?'.  I can't help but wonder if I should just continue on the path of being myself and not answering to anyone for my beliefs and participations or "conform" and play along for the ride...be the one everyone THINKS I should be instead of who and what I want to be.  Hmmm....

It would probably just be easier to be reclusive.  Just not to deal with anyone or anything for the next year.  Is that going to happen?  No.  It would probably easy just to accept the way the Army is and the way society is and blend in.  Is that going to happen?  Are you kidding?!?!?!  As easy as that would be...to take time "off", to relax and not be involved...it won't lead to where I want to be, WHO I want to become.

As much as I know that continued growth is difficult and draining, I know it is necessary.  If I quit moving, I will die.  That's the basics of it.  I can't just put myself on hold for a year.  It won't be relaxing, not for me.  So, I am moving towards becoming me.  Starting today.

I know that I have the tools to do what I must.  Microsoft tools on my computer.  Portablilty on the iPod, laptop and cell phone.  And the all important datebook.  Now, it's all about using the tools.  But more on that later.

For now, I think I have come to the conclusion that I really want to be different. I don't want to blend it.  I don't think society's perception of average is who I want to be.  So forget fitting in!  I will be the one wearing the hot pink polka dots in a black and white world.  You will be able to pick me out of the crowd.  I invite you to choose your bright color and not fit in with me.  We're going to encounter challenges, create new concepts, and make mistakes...but we will forge a new path, create new standards, and generally have a wonderful time!

LET'S GO! YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!